First of Many Tube Etiquette Posts

The tube is unarguably the life-force behind the masses in London. As in most major cities, those of us too poor or tired of looking for parking or just carbon-footprint aware (or pretending to be) use public transport. It's handy, you can still drink and get home okay and it's a lot cleaner than getting around via horses or camels or either ride-able livestock (if only just).

Now, there are many things that make Brits in enclosed spaces squirm with discomfort. Examples:

People talking using what might be deemed 'an outside voice'. There is no greater shame than having loud conversations the entire carriage can hear while the train rattles and clinks underground. Please note this because it is true: People are straining to pretend that they can't hear you. It's nothing personal - it's just when space comes at a premium and we all pretend that our nose three inches away from a stranger's armpit is in fact 3 metres away from said armpit, well, a loud conversation makes a close situation positively claustrophobic.

Public Displays of Affection...

Guilty as charged. We've all done it - if anyone says they haven't, well, they're lying. Either that or completely frigid. If there is one place NOT to show the world how you feel, it's got to be the tube (last tube is probably an exception - though it does have that distinct air of last call at the bar and do you really want to be that girl?). Simple rule of thumb for letting the object of your affection know your feelings whilst using public transport: Don't do anything you wouldn't want your dad seeing you do. Funny how suddenly groping around seems less thrilling when you imagine Pops standing over you, huh?

Reading over the shoulder

Again, guilty. The amount of dirty looks I've garnered for this one...I've made that mistake of forgetting my book at home or not grabbing the Evening Standard thinking they'll be a discarded one I can pick up on the tube and then article surfed over someone's shoulder. It's very cheeky - but it happens. The best way to get rid of article surfers is a gentle cough and a little shake of the paper. Do not make eye contact. It's threatening. Article surfers and bearcats - do not make eye contact with them it turns things into a challenge. If they persist, cough again but more and more loudly and into the paper or possibly the direction of their shoulder/lap while crumpling the paper. Shake it out (and it's new imaginary 'germs') and read. Should this fail - offer them the paper. Either they will shirk away from the shame of being caught and offered the paper - because at this point the paper is not a prize but more like a half-drank frappacino. Not only do you feel dirty for having wanted something from Starbucks because you saw them drinking it, but now you get the fatty backwash dregs of someone else's indulgence. Paper does not equal prize. If they accept, remember they'd probably drink your half finished frappacino too, so watch out.