London vs New York City

Let me put this disclaimer forward before continuing - I have never lived in New York, I've only visited. And boy, what an eye-opener that was...

Today I was discussing with some colleagues the differences between London and New York (I know, we're such an erudite crowd), and someone mentioned how much more polite and civilised New York was when compared to London. Now, at the risk of being unpatriotic, I had to beg to differ. Their argument was that when people in NY get into an elevator they all greet one another, say things like, 'Excuse me.' and 'Thank you.' whereas in London you're greeted with a stony silence.

N.B.

Don't talk to strangers in London. They'll think you're weird.

Now, back to the discussion at hand - my colleague continued to say, 'Ah, but yes, if you hit the wrong button or hit all the buttons or touch anyone there is a flurry of, "What the fuck do you think you're fucking doing?!" and things like that...'. This is when I realised that a fundamental big city break down existed, and wouldn't it have been nice to be told this one basic thing about London.

I expanded on my mental eureka aloud, 'Well, that's because in London there is a veneer of politeness and social order - break it and you're regarded as a freak. New York, however, has a veneer of friendliness - and that's actually a lot worse. You get comfortable in this idea that people like you and in fact they're ready to kick off because you did the wrong thing. In London, you know where you stand with people. If they like you, they're your friend, if they don't like you - they're polite to you and move on. Very quickly.'

Now, this was agreed upon by all in the conversation. London exists based on its own funny little quirks and how the mass behaves in regard to itself. New York is really a mute point, we could have been comparing London to Paris or Madrid or Tulsa, Oklahoma. The point is, London is, at its core, a very polite and civilised city. Don't make the mistake of believing politeness is friendliness. (As in America where friendliness is politeness - confusing for those of us who are genuinely friendly towards people we like and polite to those we don't like.)

In the end, it's good to have your eyes open going into things. One system isn't necessarily better than the other - it's a matter of taste. Me, I'm a Londoner. I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, I have no great romance with New York, maybe I could have been in an alternative universe. Unfortunately for my folks back out in the wild plains of the great American prairie, they accidentally raised a tea-drinking-Monty-Python-loving Brit, ergo I moved to be with my own.

And the rest they say, is history.

Queuing with Finesse

You mean people can actually have style when they stand in line?

Yes. Yes, they can - and you can join them!

By why would anyone want to have such a ridiculous skill, standing around with style? Here's why - it's a London survival skill. Without an immense (and somewhat cult-like) respect for this system of orderly standing about waiting ever patiently for more bureaucratic inefficiency this whole city would fall apart at the very seams.

The seams I tell you!

So, tube queuing first, because as mentioned in the first post, London would come to a grinding halt without the public transport. Firstly, have your oyster card or travel card ready for the barrier. Halting and pausing 3 feet away from the gates creates a traffic flow issue that gets surrounded by an angry mob of annoyed people who had their commemorative Kate and Wills oyster card at the ready (and irate people with normal non-commemorative oyster cards.) But of course, once you get through the barriers there is yet more standing around order to be adhered to by all.

Now, these next two points are signposted in all tubes stations and are pretty universal but I'll highlight them again. On the escalators, stand on the right and walk on the left. You want to know why you've been instructed to do this? It's because this 'walking' that happens on the left is more like a 'mowing-down-anyone-or-anything-in-my-way-can't-you-see-I'm-running-late' on the left. You've been warned. Let people off the trains before you get on the train. It's common sense, they practically shout it at you and if people get off the train, there's the odd chance you'll get a seat.

Paying for Groceries/Shopping

Form an orderly line. Don't queue jump - this isn't Spain or Italy. We're not as efficient as the Swiss or Germans but by god, cut into the line and risk the wrath of the most vicious dirty looks ever from total strangers.

Special Occasions

So, there are two places where orderly queuing 'happens' but only in name but is in point of fact more of a competitive sport. People jockey their way forward for a good position and they seek the attention of those with the power to give and fight their way through a throng of others to claw their way to the head of the pack. These are the illustrious exceptions to British prim and proper - the bar and Ryanair flights. These are the elbows out competitive queues. Italian queues on steroids - disorderly but with none of the relax-there-is-enough-for-everyone attitude. That's because the mob knows better - there are only so many seats near the exits on a Ryanair flight and there is only so much alcohol behind that bar. To you desiring to tackle these monsters with good grace I wish you good luck. Focus on the positives - at least you didn't get maimed by the mob in the tube on the way over.

First of Many Tube Etiquette Posts

The tube is unarguably the life-force behind the masses in London. As in most major cities, those of us too poor or tired of looking for parking or just carbon-footprint aware (or pretending to be) use public transport. It's handy, you can still drink and get home okay and it's a lot cleaner than getting around via horses or camels or either ride-able livestock (if only just).

Now, there are many things that make Brits in enclosed spaces squirm with discomfort. Examples:

People talking using what might be deemed 'an outside voice'. There is no greater shame than having loud conversations the entire carriage can hear while the train rattles and clinks underground. Please note this because it is true: People are straining to pretend that they can't hear you. It's nothing personal - it's just when space comes at a premium and we all pretend that our nose three inches away from a stranger's armpit is in fact 3 metres away from said armpit, well, a loud conversation makes a close situation positively claustrophobic.

Public Displays of Affection...

Guilty as charged. We've all done it - if anyone says they haven't, well, they're lying. Either that or completely frigid. If there is one place NOT to show the world how you feel, it's got to be the tube (last tube is probably an exception - though it does have that distinct air of last call at the bar and do you really want to be that girl?). Simple rule of thumb for letting the object of your affection know your feelings whilst using public transport: Don't do anything you wouldn't want your dad seeing you do. Funny how suddenly groping around seems less thrilling when you imagine Pops standing over you, huh?

Reading over the shoulder

Again, guilty. The amount of dirty looks I've garnered for this one...I've made that mistake of forgetting my book at home or not grabbing the Evening Standard thinking they'll be a discarded one I can pick up on the tube and then article surfed over someone's shoulder. It's very cheeky - but it happens. The best way to get rid of article surfers is a gentle cough and a little shake of the paper. Do not make eye contact. It's threatening. Article surfers and bearcats - do not make eye contact with them it turns things into a challenge. If they persist, cough again but more and more loudly and into the paper or possibly the direction of their shoulder/lap while crumpling the paper. Shake it out (and it's new imaginary 'germs') and read. Should this fail - offer them the paper. Either they will shirk away from the shame of being caught and offered the paper - because at this point the paper is not a prize but more like a half-drank frappacino. Not only do you feel dirty for having wanted something from Starbucks because you saw them drinking it, but now you get the fatty backwash dregs of someone else's indulgence. Paper does not equal prize. If they accept, remember they'd probably drink your half finished frappacino too, so watch out.